Friends Season 2

::chosing between baby wearing clown pajamas or duck pajamas::
Chandler: we're gonna flip for the baby?!!
Joey: you got a better idea?
Chandler: call it in the air...
Joey: Heads!
Chandler: heads! yes!
Chandler: we have to assign heads to something!!!
Joey: okay well ducks will be heads, because well, ducks have heads
Chandler: what kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday?

Chandler: Anybody know a good tailor?
Joey: Needs some clothes altered?
Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990?
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

Joey: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?

Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?

Ross: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
Chandler: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight

Monica: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.
Chandler: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.
Joey: What is with your nose?
Rachel: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.
Chandler: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.

Joey: Some girl ate Monica.
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

Phoebe: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Ross: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?
Phoebe: Because she's your lobster.
Chandler: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Phoebe: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws

Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

Ross: So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.
Chandler: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back

Rachel: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?
Chandler: Well, we could count again.

Joey: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
Chandler: You or me?
Ross: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: You guys are messin' with me, right?
All: Yeah.
Joey:That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa"

Ross: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
(There's a knock on the door.)
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

Joey: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.

Ross: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.
Chandler: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody

Chandler: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.
Rachel: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Ross: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback..

Chandler: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?

Chandler: Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight

Susie: Uh, is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

Chandler: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
Phoebe: Stick a fork what?
Chandler: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
Phoebe: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
Chandler: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
Phoebe: Well you know, you just, you eat them and you can tell.
Chandler: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.

Rachel: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.
Chandler: So you really Okay about all this?
Rachel: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

Ross: You're over me?
Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God.
Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? When, when were you... under me?

[at the lesbian wedding]
Joey: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly

Monica: (talking about the stock market) Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.

Bully: This couch belongs to us.
Chandler: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to

Joey: What's going on?
Phoebe: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.
Joey: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
Chandler: How do you not fall down more?