Friends Season 8

Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn’t see who it was but… (He walks out and closes the door.)
Phoebe: Was that story over?

Joey: Umm, now uh... It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y'know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so... (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Monica: Oh my God! Joey!
Phoebe: Hell yeah! I'll marry you!
Monica: You can't marry him!
Phoebe: Hey lady, your day's over! It's my turn!
Monica: Phoebe!
Joey: Why?! Why can't she marry me?!
Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
Monica: She's not pregnant. It's Rachel. Rachel's the one who's pregnant.
Joey: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn't have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe: It's Joey!

Ross: Yeah, I need uh... I'm just -- I don't know -- I don't understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel: I know. I know, but y'know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
Rachel: They do!
Ross: No they don't!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Rachel: Okay Ross come on let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Oh well I may as well have!

Ross: Yeah but uh... Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else. Rachel's pregnant.
Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I can't believe that!!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand new information!!
Ross: You already know don't you?
Phoebe: A little

Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut

Chandler: I still don't get it, we didn't do anything wrong.
Monica: I know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!
Monica: (rolling her head from side to side) Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah!
Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions.
Monica: What about my questions?
Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
Chandler: (angrily) Was that another question?

Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume...
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he'd love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!

Rachel: Ohh... Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! There's only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.

Chandler: Oh! Hi!
Mona: Hi!
Chandler: Joey's gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you'd come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually I'm just a nurse.
Chandler: You'd think that would embarrass me, but you see I'm maxed out.

Cashier: I can tell you work out. A paleontologist who works out, you're like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her face.)
Ross: I am like Indiana Jones

Chandler: What I do do...is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.
Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.
Chandler: Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Ross: This is insane, I'm not gonna make love to you just so that you'll go into labor.
Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl?
Ross: Always a great way to get in a man's pants.

Rachel: You know you kissed me first.
Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place!
Rachel: I was sending you signals?
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)

Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names.
Joey: Oh yeah? (To Phoebe) Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you.
Phoebe: Regina Philange. (Ken and Regina shake hands.)

Monica: You used the Europe story!
Chandler: That’s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?!
Joey: How do you know about that story?!
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
Joey: (raises his hand) Some guy!! (Points to himself.)
Rachel: No. No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: (raises his hand and points to himself again) Ken Adams!!

Monica: Chandler! Phoebe’s hogging the game!
Chandler: Who cares? It’s a stupid game.
Monica: You only think it’s stupid because you suck at it.
Chandler: I don’t suck. It’s sucks. You suck.

Joey: Alright, so…so tell me one of your moves.
Rachel: Alright. So where’d you grow up?
Joey: That’s your move? Boy Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot.

Chandler: Well I’ve been playing it for like eight hours, it’ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they’re dirty words.
Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because it’s awesome

Monica: Honey you-you got to beat your scores!
Chandler: With the claw?!

Joey: That’s right! ‘Cause I’m a Tribbiani! And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!

Will: That’s right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!
Rachel: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.)
Ross: No need to point, she knows who Ross is.

[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. “Only Time,” is playing in the background.]
Chandler: (thinking) All right, this isn’t so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is okay, because I’ve got my boat

Ross: Well, OK, it’s for a boy. Well, I know it’s a little out there, but…Darwin.
Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine.
Ross: You’re just saying that ’cause I said no to your name!
Rachel: I’m really, really not.
Phoebe: How-how about you each get five vetoes?
Ross: That sounds fair.
Rachel: Yeah! I don’t think you’re going to need it though. Okay, check this out. If it’s a girl, Rain.
Ross: Veto.
Ross: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?
Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child?
Ross: Fine, you go.
Rachel: Okay, James.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: But only if it’s a girl.
Ross: Oh, veto. How about—Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh! I’m sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?
Ross: Veto. Stewart?
Rachel: Veto. Sawyer?
Ross: Veto. Helen?
Rachel: Veto.
Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?

Chandler: There has got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, I’m not an nine-year-old girl.

Chandler: Woah, woah, that’s not pretty!
Man on TV: Now, push!
Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!
Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)
Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!

Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.
Phoebe: Wow! You do?
Jim: Yeah, (looks at his crotch) a Pretty Huge…

Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we’re all losers here.
Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
Chandler: Let me think. Let me think—Oh! I don’t care.
Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Either, it makes no difference.
Joey: Choose, you jackass!
Chandler: I’ll take a card.
Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points!
Ross: What?!
Chandler: This game is kinda fun.
Ross: (To Chandler) You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you…
Chandler: I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.

Phoebe: Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: Oh you don’t know.
Chandler: Are you serious?!
Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!

Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y’know I’ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn’t understand) Duties. (Still doesn’t.) Duties! Poo. (Still doesn’t.)
The Interviewer: Poo?
Chandler: Oh my God this doesn’t count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There’s a crazy guy out in the hall!

Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.
Ross: Yeah, exactly.
Phoebe: Right. Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.

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