Friends Season 9

Joey: Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me!
Chandler: What?! Why does she think that?
Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did.
Chandler: Again, what?!
Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand…
Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day.

Joey: Why’re you so tired?
Chandler: Couldn’t sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn’t sleep. Y’know? I was like, if I fall asleep now I’ll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I’ll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn’t fall asleep.
Joey: You know what you should’ve done, you should have told yourself that little story

Ross: Okay let’s put aside that you (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you (Does it again) "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.
Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) I don’t really know what that means. You were saying?
Ross: And I can even understand that you couldn’t tell Rachel, but why couldn’t you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn’t.
Joey: I know I should’ve. (Makes quote marks again.) "I’m sorry."
Ross: Not using it right, Joe.

Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms.
Joey: You, you want me to help you with that?
Ross: Why, does it look like I’m having trouble with my misshapen claw?
Joey: Name? (Ross looks at him.) I know Ross but what’s it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher.
Ross: Just Ross!
Joey: It’s pretty, Okay date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure, May...tember.
Ross: October 18th.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.

Monica: Joey, Joey.
Joey: What?
Monica: you don't think sharks are sexy do you?
Joey: No… (Pause) wait a minute what was the little mermaid?

Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You never cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think .. listen, listen!
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in! Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirl pool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.
Monica: Was your cabin pressurised?
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away)
Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?

Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.
Joey: Seriously? She actually said that?
Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?
Joey: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing!
Chandler: Yeah!
Joey: Without that, you just got "lame with women".

Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
Joey: (looks surprised) Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird...
Ross: Thank you!
Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a...
Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?
Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?
Joey: Uhm... A penis model.

Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles.

Monica: Careful. Careful. CAREFUL!
Chandler: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise.

Amy: Okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?
Chandler: No, if crazy plate lad.. If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right?
Rachel: Well actually...
Chandler: Actually what?
Ross: well.. its just. its just in that case, then um. Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler: What?
Amy: Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey (raises his hand): Uh.. who has to die for me to get her?

Ross: I don't know. I mean I have plenty of opportunity. Just just now there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me.
And then the other day on the subway a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.
Chandler: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life!

Ross: You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey check out those two blondes over there! Hey come with me!
Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
Ross: You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? You...you break the ice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop in with some interesting conversation, so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one...
Chandler: I thought I had to make the jokes!
Ross: Don't you have to be at work?
Chandler: Oh come on! (they walk over to the girls) Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!!
Ross: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another flood in Europe? Here’s question: "Would you... would you rather drown or be burnt alive?"
Blonde girl: Sorry...we were just leaving
Chandler: We still got it!

(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door)
Ross: Hey hey, can I help?
Chandler: Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.
Ross: You know sometimes your words... they hurt.

Ross: (yelling at Chandler) I have sex with dinosaurs??!
Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere!
Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... It's not funny!!
Chandler: I respectfully disagree.
Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page!
Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things
Ross: You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today.
Chandler: I don't have a page.
Ross: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!!

Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped

Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET!
Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees.
Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular!
Joey: Which one, they all suck

Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET!
Joey: The Metsss!
Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Joey: Oh, that's what she meant! You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion!
Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans!

Sarah: Are you a paleontologist?
Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I'm an actor. You'd probably recognize me from a little show called "The Days of Our Lives".
Ross: Dude, it's just "Days of Our Lives"... there's no the.
Joey: (thinking he's kidding) Ok, Ross! It's... It's fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV.
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at??

Joey: Hey! As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya!
Charlie: I'm sorry, I can't! I'm running a discussion group all afternoon.
Joey: Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you...

Phoebe: All right, all right... I'll play if we don't keep score!
Monica: But then how do we know who wins?
Phoebe: Nobody wins!
Monica: So, we're just four losers... SUPER!

Rachel: I don't know, I'm not trying to do anything, it's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know... I mean, aren't you just a... little curious... what that would be like?...
Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as... as... George!!
Rachel: Who...?
Joey: CURIOUS GEORGE! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!
Rachel: Oh yes, of course, I remember him!
Joey: Yeah, he had a paper route.
Rachel: Yeah, he did! Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about!
Joey: No, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no... this... this can't happen!
Rachel: But can it... just... happen a little bit?
Joey: NO, NO! It can't happen at all!
Rachel: But why, why not?
Joey: Because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no.

Chandler: Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
Monica: Best out of three?
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?