Random Comics
we can all use a little funny every once in a while...

"the most wasted day of all is that which we have not laughed"

No one wants to drown, drowning would be the worst. Because everyone knows that feeling, oh it's the worst, when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer you're at a pool party or something. "I'm gonna go in the deep end, watch my dive!" Right. And then you dive in, and the second you get to the bottom you're like, "Get me out of here! Where's the surface!" And you always come up under the fat kid on the raft. "Oh Jesus, Timmy! Do not float above me when I am dying in the abyss! Float away from me, float away!" -Dane Cook

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with
his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat." -Mitch Hedberg

He got hit by a Dodge, which I found both funny and ironic -Dane Cook

You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no?" -Mitch Hedberg

Here's an example of a woman that was too optimistic with me recently. I was walking by a shoe store, and I looked in the window and saw this pair of boots that I wanted in my life. Okay, so I walk in and I say to the woman working there, "Hi, excuse me. Hey, do you have those boots in a 12?" This is what she does, she looks at me very optimistically and goes, "Let me take a peek." I'm like, "Yeah, while you're at it, look around. Don't just glimpse. I want those boots. Move a box if you have to." So she goes into the back and when she comes out she's even more optimistic and she's holding a boot. Then she walks right up to me and says, "We have it in a 9!" Really? Do you guys also have a bone saw anywhere near by? Tell you what, just run at me really fast and jam that sucker right on my hoof. Do you guys have a time machine to send me back to the seventh grade when those fit my feet? -Dane Cook

Slip and slide! Would have been fun if Dad had checked for rocks before he laid it down. Slip and bleed from the anus they should have called it. -Dane Cook

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. -Mitch Hedberg

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. - Ron White

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we--' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way. -Ellen Degeneres

There was a guy, down in Florida, who said that the age of 53 years old he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain, and hail of a force-3 hurricane. Now, lemme explain somethin' to ya: It isn't *that* the wind is blowin'. It's *what* the wind is blowin'. If you get hit with a *Volvo*, it don't matter how many sit-ups you did that mornin' -Ron White

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top -Mitch Hedberg

We had monopoly. everybody did. nobody liked it. even if you think you liked the game, you didn't. and it's simple why, because this is anybody here,  2 and a half hours into a game of monopoly....F* THIS GAME. it's 4 in the morning grandma, YOU WIN. i'm sittin on baltic with crap! im paying luxury tax out the ass. and i hate when you're the banker! where'd you get the pink 50's you cheating whore! no, don't touch me grandpa, nanna is a cheating whore -Dane Cook

like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential. -Mitch Hedberg

I got back to the hotel at 730 this morning and I went up to the front desk to leave a wake up call for 7 oclock, and the lady goes "Mr. White it's past 7". I went, "No the next one. You got another one coming around why don't you put me on that one. I hear they're running two a day through Arizona" -Ron White

My hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick -Mitch Hedberg

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did. - Jack Handey

I have a jar at home, and I put
pennies in it whenever I curse.
The other day I spilled the jar.
I owe it about $25 .
-Demetri Martin

I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was... -Mitch Hedberg

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger." Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?" -Mitch Hedberg

Took a ladies order one time, i'll never forget this, i go 'maam that'll be 3.75 please drive around' and there's like this long pause and she goes '...where do i go?' - where do you go? you follow the fucking road your on to me. no maam, your gonna go to the texaco station take a right, go 5 1/2 miles south east your gonna see a guy in a yellow poncho his name is hank, he'll take you to the whopper layer. that's where you go. and you've got 10 minutes to get there, or we take your food -Dane Cook

We go to a restauraunt on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. they start callin out names, they say 'dufrane party of two' and if no one answers they'll say their name again, 'dufrane party of two' but then if no one answers they'll go right onto the next name, 'bush party of 3' yea - but what happened to the dufranes? no one seems to give a shit. who can eat at a time like this? people are missing. you fuckers are selfish. the dufranes are in someones trunk right now with ducttape over their mouth, and they're hungry! that's a double whammy. we need help. 'bush, search party of 3' ....you can eat once you find the dufranes -Mitch Hedberg


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